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[04 May 2006|04:00pm] |
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the things you do that make you just wanna shoot yourself in the foot. im good at doing things to that effect. but thats me and thats how i am. ive been doing a whole heaping load of thinking as of late. so many questions asked, and so few answers. are we right, or are we wrong. im desprate. so much uncertainty. i dont like the feeling. not that i am by any means one who who sets goals or knows what i am gonna do in 10 minutes, but the rest of my days were looking so bright. now im blank. i seem to do this to myself about every other year it seems since i have had this journal. i talk to it when i have no one to talk to. i dont know what to do currently. never been this confused in a long time. i could talk about all the happy things that have happend to me in the past prolly over a year since i have last updated. but i find it all irrelevent. cause its past and what good is a past if you have no future. who no i have no answers, i dont know much about life, love or really anything. but i do know that when they say change is good, im not sure if i agree with it. my lease on my current apartment is up on July 5th. what to do. should i finally just walk away from it all as i was going to ages ago and move to detroit? should i stay in the same never ending circle of jobs, and apartments. same people same faces. nothing will change unless i force change upon myslelf. all we do is live to make money so we can pay bills for things that make us superficially happy, when the real things in life that make me and any semi sane person happy come free of charge. Friends, Family, Significant others. those are the things in life that make you a truely happy person. without it, its all so fake. im fake. these past days i have had a big face of stessfree happiness at work and at home. was i trying to make it reality? yes, but its not working. its starting to fade. that face is begining to crack. im really truely lost. im rambling about the most unclear and stupid things right now to avoid the truth of what i miss. i miss my danielly, and that is what is making this so hard. i need a friend, someone to listen and not judge. i made lots of mistakes. many unforgivable. and i know its done, and the realization, is what kills me the most. all the things around me reminding me. from my room to my car to clothes. i need out, i need answers, but most of all i need to go. livejournal is not the place for my rants and plees. goodbye world.
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[23 Jun 2005|06:44pm] |
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the Early November "Sunday Drive" |
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well i really think that 2 whole months is long enough to go with out at least some kind of an update. well, LIFE you ask. i dont think could be going much better. new apartment, great girlfriend, new job its all good. im not so sure that i miss this thing or not. i mean i used to update all the time. who knows, it goes in spurts. i have been thinking about updating for like the past couple months, but i just dont. meh i am know. went to the casino a week ago walked away with 900 so that was extremely cool. winning money is good. hmm other good things that have happened. prom, prom was great. i must say no bullshit just good fun. i actually enjoyed it. i was a good time me and danielle and the loads of crazy gangsters in the limo with us. that was just to much to handle. me and danielley drove to Alma to go and buy her a new puppy Sammie. he is a great doggie. what else is there. who know ummm...me and danielle have almost been going out for 3 months. crazy. it all seems so surreal. its nice. i lover her a lot. ummm i got a new tattoo that was fun i went to liquid tattoo. i think that i wanna go and get another one within about a week or so. i miss it alot. i wanna finish a lot of this stuff up. who knows tho. i work all the time, and crazy amounts of hours. i will now be working 2 jobs, from 7am and then get out of both jobs at 10pm. its gonna be crazy. i know i will be able to do it. i am a hard worker. plus the money will be great. lol
hmmm some things to think about...i have been moved out now for almost 8 months, and besides not seeing my family i can say that i am not sure that i miss the place. do you blam me? but all in all, it is not as tough as they say, you just wanna have to do it. its nice. but i think that after this lease is up next june, i am going to just leave. go away to college. 4 years just do it. do something with my life. it will be good. who knows me and marcus might actually do what we actually wanted to do, move to North Carolina and go to college. wouldnt that be crazy. you never know tho. we will see in one year. but hopefully it will be off to GrandValley, that wouldnt be so bad would it? i dont think so. i think we could do it. no promises tho. i dont wanna make anymore proimises that i cant keep.
life may not be all i imagined it to be at 18, 3 months away from 19, 1 year out of high school, but more importantly above all things, i can honestly and truly say that i am happy. happy with everything. its nice, things are well. how are you? need to chat 803 9193
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[27 Apr 2005|11:30am] |
gahh my fucking throat hurts. so damn bad i am way pissed. it sucks. so me and danielley are doing really well just to let all of you know. went and got a nice big bed yesterday. that wosnt cheap for all of that stuff. but oh well at least i am gonna get good use out of it. man i feel poopy. one week until we get to move into the new apartment i am pretty excited about that. its gonna be nice. then also next week, well on friday i am going to get some of my tattoos colored really excited about that as well. lots to look forward to in the coming weeks. danielley asked me to go to her senior prom with her. i hope its a lot of fun for her. but i dont know. i feel like poop. i need to go back to sleep or something. i dont know. well i hope you all have beatiful days.
AMITY (warped tour band from cali)
HIT THE LIGHTS
FACES OF VALOR
NURAL (from cali)
all on Purevolume.com
all to be playing at the red ribbon hall
MAY 12th $5 Doors 6:30
hope to see you all there
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| ...i wanna kiss you every minute every hour everyday! |
[12 Apr 2005|12:37pm] |
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well well well...what a good weekend it was! i finally got to see my lovely danielly! i had to work on friday night and i wosnt supposed to get out till 3. and then it was gonna be off to danielly's, but i got out way early. and i got ready and then called her when i was in her driveway, and told her to come outside cause i had a surprise for her. and it was me standing there with a dozen roses. gosh is was so great to see her. and i finally got to lay down and cuddle with her that night. it was amazing. then we both woke up bright and early and were on our way to cleveland, where we seen fall out boy. they rocked the house. it was a really good show. after the show we went to the harry buffalo for some food. and then went to the hotel. i dont need to get into details there. but it was a good night. came home on sunday and we went ther her aunts house for some BBQ thingy. it was some good food. then i took her to her dad's house all the way at duck lake to get her car back.all and all it was a most wonderful weekend. oh yea not to mention on thursday me and matt went and seen straylight run in detroit. it was a good show. really really good show.
so in about two weeks i have to have a new apartment...yay... not. oh well tho. its gonna be alright. i really want some more tats, it has been so long since i have gotten one. like way too long. well kids time for me to go do some laundry...bye
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[04 Apr 2005|01:39am] |
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and ill be just fine pretending im not, that far from lonely and thats all that ive got.
hmm...damn i miss her so much. its so crazy to think about how much you can actually fall for someone, or well i dont know just really honestly care about a person. i like it. i miss it. its what i need. a week is such a short time, and yet it feels as tho an eternity is passing as i wait for you to be in my arms. i dont mean to ramble on about this. but it is all that is on my mind. yes, i am drunk, but it is all i think about everyday and night. scary. hmm i dont know at least she is with the great egg foo young. i trust her. they are so close. im glad she has someone like that even tho she lives in chicago. hmm anyway i have worked a crazy amount this week i couldnt believe it. oh well tho its just more money for me i guess. i have an interview in kalamazoo for the target distribution center there, and if i get that jpb it pays 13.99 an hour. which would be absolutly fucking amazing. if i got that job i would go on a spending spree no doubt.
so thursday straylight run. cant wait. me and jimmie and annie seen them like 2 summers ago. and it was amazing, so i cant wait to see them now. and then on saturday me and matt and danielley and felicia are going to see fall out boy in cleveland and staying in some hotel rooms there. thats gonna be fun. get drunk, have some "fun" and then come back to dull michigan.
i cant say that i really have much else to say. night.
p.s. new cell 803 9193 call me damn it!
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[31 Mar 2005|04:02pm] |
Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen - Mary Schmich
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my
own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will
not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've
faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay
before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as
you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble
gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never
crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on
some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people
who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead,
sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only
with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting
40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children,
maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the
funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your
choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and
the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people
who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in
Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that
when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble
and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust
fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when
either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look
85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly
parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
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[31 Mar 2005|08:34am] |
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music |
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damian rice "delicate" |
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hmmm well, i just got back from danielley's and im not gonna see her for a week. im gonna miss her. its ok tho. she is having fun with her friends. so thats cool. it was a great night last night. last one for a week. hmmm...so tired. work at 5. gah...i am having the worst time trying to update. whatever. kinda pissed i was gonna go skating this morning in frandor but it fucking rained last night. that kinda pissed me off. my damn ear hurts. i streched them to 00. but only the left one hurts. well shit i really just am at a loss. i cant think. k bye
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| and id stand there like a soldier.... |
[29 Mar 2005|08:46am] |
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a walk through hell |
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i finally got my phone yay! took me long enough to get off my ass and do it. lol so my number is 803-9193. call whenever you please. but anywho. not much has been going on i just work and then go to my lovely daniellies house. its really nice. i really enjoy being with her. we have such great talks at night. mmmm awesome. but yea. no need to go on about that. i bought a new telecaster about a week ago now. that was fun. lol it sounds so nice. i really like, but i am wondering if i really actually need it. oh well. i dont know i am really tired tho, still not used to getting up early like all of you kids yet. k bye
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[22 Mar 2005|05:12am] |
drunk. so many things that seem so far out of my reach. and yet i feel they are ever closer than they have been. thinking of the past, relationships, friends, family, everything. so many things in perspective in my mind. maybe it is just the alcohol talking, but just so many things i have thought about. i miss my uncle...i wish that the fucking bastard that killed him was never fucking born. i hope that one day i will see him face to face so that i might have the chance to fucking let him feel just one little fucking ounce of the pain that i have been feeling for the past 7 years. if i was able to take the life of anyone, it would be that man. i hate, and despise that man. how could someone take a life of a man that fucking helped you. made your life easier, and then just say i am gonna end your life cause i ask for something in return for all that i have done for you? i wish that i would see him just for a second that is all it would take i would give my life just to see that man die. i feel bad i have been to my uncles grave once since his funeral and it was last year. i couldnt even deal with it then. 18 years old and i fucking still cried uncontrollably. like a little fucking baby. i hate the feeling of helplessness. i wish that i could be strong and not think about this. but yet at the same time i feel guilty if i dont think about it, i mean i owe it to my uncle. to remember him. i loved him so much....i dont know....fucked up thats all it is. relationships, how are you supposed to fall in love with someone after you think that you found the one person that was your "true love". i want to know. is it wrong to have more than one...? i wish i knew the answers. i wish that life was much more easy than it is. i find myself afraid to want to love again....and even then when i think that it will happen again i have that fucking thought in my mind, that the same thing will happen again. as much as i know you arent the person that will do that, i am still scared. scared for a larger change. being with you is amazing, i cherish every moment. lying in bed next to you. learning the little things about you that make you special to me. so many thing that i wnat to say, but i dont know how. understand what i mean when i say it!
the sheets are calling my name...no danielle but for one night i will live. night to all.
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[21 Mar 2005|10:33am] |
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wakey wakey...eggs n bacey! lol hmmm what a great week this has been. i love meeting people that you totally click with. absolulty amazing. well things have been so good. and it feels so good to be able to finally say that and mean it. i dont know lots of things going on in my head and its all so so good. danielle is so amazing it just well i dont know. but things are good. i dont really know how to put it. i guess i just "need her like a bad habit" and thats that. wow this entry is seriously taking forever. maybe its cause i am drinking jack and cokes, and eating the "jello" that i made for danielle last night! mmm good night.very good night. damn it i am so blank right now well not really i just dont know how to put all of it on here. oh well. i guess i will just go at that. laterz
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